It’s another day in bed. Day 7 of, well, we don’t know yet. The toddler is fussing. The printer isn’t working, my internet connection keeps dropping all my “in bed” devices. You’d think I’d just give up and read or sleep, but I NEED to do something.
See, the thing with being born a “Proctor” is that you have these silly, inbred ideas of perfectionism and control. And, as a mother, even more so (although maybe it’s more of a farce the more children you have?). I was starting to feel better last week. I had even SKETCHED OUT and cut pictures out of magazines (my internet connection wasn’t working at all the two previous weeks I was mostly in bed) of how I was going to organize my family’s “organization” wall. I have lists to put together with boardmaker (if/when I get it) to laminate for the 5 & 7 year olds for their before school, after school and other routines. I was creating a calendar big enough for SEVEN family members to have schedules and reminders on (so I didn’t have to be the one walking around with everything in my head) and hooks for backpacks, clips for notices to and from school/coaches/therapists/doctors/sunday school teachers. And I even measured the wall and all the pieces I already have so I could start to place them on the wall (without drilling a bunch of holes).
Thursday, the day after Tonya fixed my sacrum, I even WENT TO STAPLES and bought new file folders to organize the kids records, and ink for printing IN COLOUR and, well, a bunch of “inspiring things” to get me going on my new tasks. Then Thursday night I tore that kind-of critical joint – necessary not only for walking somewhat decently, most importantly up the stairs, but also to support the upper body (and that whole little body inside of me).
And I’m back to feeling useless, helpless, worthless. I can’t take care of my kids. I can barely take care of myself (I can go to the washroom). And I have added another burden on my over-worked husband.
SO, how DO I, or WILL I respond? How do/can I worship God while confined to a bed? How do I serve the Lord with Gladness, when I feel like I’m frustrating everyone around me (and depleting any financial resources we have getting help)?
I don’t know yet.
BUT, I do know this.
I woke with these words pulsating through my head like an earworm:
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
and then followed with:
Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy –
think about such things.
I memorized Philippians 4:4-9 about 20 years ago. And it is TRULY amazing what words come to mind when they are needed. It definitely helps that this week’s Abiding Fruit study is on Philippians 4:4-9. And, waking up with these words, whether from intercession through my Maximize Your Mornings groups (Twitter 1, Email 93) or family, friends, Ken’s co-workers at Regent, lifted me. The only explanation being that of the Spirit. They also have made me think about joining the Hiding His Word in My Heart group in November (memorizing Romans 8, another beauty during a week of feeling overwhelmed and crushed).
I’ve had some sobs today. I haven’t cried much during these frustrating events, and maybe it was healing to let some of that grief out. I’m not really appreciating being on the helpee end of service. I mean, I appreciate it, but I’d much rather be on the helper side. I’m not really sure what will happen with me in bed. I know that I have a tall pile of books I could read, and card games to play with my kids (and stories to read them, as long as the toddler ceases her “little monkeys jumping on the bed” bit) and boxes of notecards to write notes on. But I don’t know HOW to come before God right now. What kind of sacrifice can I make? What CAN I offer? To HIM, to my husband, my children, my community.
Thinking about “such things” is where I’m starting. What true, right, noble, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy things do you think about that lighten your heart?