Not What I Planned

I am trying, so hard, to trust God right now. Being stuck in bed FOR A MONTH has not been easy on anyone, and my attitude isn’t getting better about it.

Last night we took all the kids to my “detailed/gender ultrasound” so we could tell the kids whether they were having a brother or a sister. It was snowing. Traffic was BAD, and we had to wait for a coal train.

We got there, I went right back. She spent a good 40 minutes pressing on my very sore lower abdomen, got up to get the family and realized she forgot some measurements. I thought it was a 30 minute appointment. She asked all kinds of questions that no one has ever asked me during a prenatal ultrasound before. Not that I’ve had a lot of pregnancies, but I’ve had a LOT of ultrasounds of my lady parts.

After a few more measurements she showed me how uncooperative this baby was being, curled up in a ball, asleep, with his/her back TOWARDS her. No wonder she was trying to get at the baby from underneath. By the way, the pictures we did get, were kind of creepy. Spines and facial bones, no profile of baby sucking thumb, or fat little belly underneath curled up legs. Hence, no photo for this post. Even the “foot” picture (that was the best one she could get) looks strange because the foot looks like it’s coming out of the wrong part of the leg (it’s the “other foot” not the foot attached to the leg in the picture).

She *thinks* it’s a girl, but she can’t tell. We told her the other ultrasound technician/sonographer thought it was a boy, she said there is no 100% for either of them. So we don’t know. Baby was not in a cooperative mood. Apparently she wasn’t spending all her time trying to get “underneath” the baby for gender identification, it was to measure the placenta, which is “low” and that I’ll have a chance to find out the gender at one of my upcoming ultrasounds to watch the placenta.

I had really REALLY hoped we were going to celebrate a new little brother or sister at a dinner out last night (it was a big night, snow, I ate dinner with the family for the first time in a month) and really rejoice. Instead, I fought tears and tried to stay “happy” the whole meal, only breaking down into tears this morning.

At some point in my somewhat restless night I woke to the thought that all my children are Gifts from God. That all of them are on loan to me for a short time. And although my fear is overwhelming me right now (so many questions) I need to be grateful for every moment with them. Thanking God for blessing me with the honor of being their mother here on earth.

The snow here is not thick, just a thin layer on the roof tops, the trees blew all their snow off. The children will all have very clean teeth by 4pm today (three have already had them cleaned, the last after school). Ken is photographing a wedding tonight. And I am holding in my tears.

After Claire’s birth I didn’t want to have any other type of birth (not that I expected to ever be pregnant again). I loved the experience of her homebirth SO much I wanted to PLAN this one. But this baby was conceived when we *think* I may have had a pelvic stress fracture (in the ilium or the top of the femur, we don’t know and won’t be able to).

Then the blood work, that came back, of course, anaemic but with the added concern that I have antigens present in my blood that could harm the baby and that I would need regular (every 4 week) blood titers done and baby growth ultrasounds throughout the last trimester (and possible need for Cesarean Section if growth slows due to blood mingling issues).

Then I had the pubic symphysis diastasis, soon to be diagnosed osteitis pubis with separation and probable tearing of ligaments of the symphysis also shearing bone fragments. That put me here, where I am now, in bed, for the last 4 weeks. I attempted to start “walking” with the aid of a compression belt this week (with a physio) and overdid it to the point of excruciating, sleepless pain for two days. At the physio she encouraged me to imagine a safe delivery, not the ethereal, candle-lit home delivery I had hoped for. She warned me that with my osteoporosis (and my bedrestfulness) my bones would be deteriorating in this pregnancy and that a vaginal delivery could put me PERMANENTLY in a “needing crutches” state.

And then last night’s disappointing news that there is ANOTHER complication in this pregnancy. ANOTHER reason why I cannot be actively involved in my children’s lives outside the house for this time. I don’t get to be the cute momma walking around showing off her belly this time around. I am the one with special belts holding my pelvis together, trying to learn how to walk using “deep muscles” that have stopped working due to my pelvis fractures WITH A WALKER and terrified at any moment I could have painless bleeding start that could risk two lives.

How do I depend on God in this time? How do I sit in bed and listen to the kids give the caregivers a hard time and not be able to do anything about it (but yell from bed)? I WANT OUT OF HERE.

My dear morning accountability buddy from Maximize Your Mornings (from the summer session) sent me this verse this morning:

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
-Psalm 143:8, NIV 

And here I am, trying to figure out how to trust God to take care of all of us, while I, Momma, am powerless to do anything but order grocery delivery and occasionally comb hair. I’ll know more in the next week (see the OB and the Osteoporosis doctors on Wednesday), I am still debating paging the midwives to see if anyone happens to be in the office today to read the sonographer’s report. I don’t understand God’s plan. I’m scared. I’m tired of being in bed. And what I really want is to be healthy. To have a healthy baby. Not to be in surgeries for the next year after this miracle is born.

I’m grateful for the technology that allows us to prepare for situations that would cause death for both baby and mother in another situation. I am grateful for the bloodwork that allows us to know to watch for things that could cause complications as well. I’m grateful that there are options, after the baby, to get me “fixed” up so I can be a “semi-normal” mother. Yeah, I’ve known that I’ll never be able to go ice skating with my kids (which often breaks my heart – they are so magnificent to watch) and maybe I’ll never be able to do the Grouse Grind (but there is a chair lift to get me to the top). But, I will be able to cook for my family again, and make Thanksgiving feasts and vacuum. Maybe not for another 5 or 6 months, but I WILL!

Thank you Lord for giving us HOPE, even when it feels like we are buried. When we don’t know the answers, HE DOES! I love that the passage we are memorizing with Hide His Word is Romans 8. We started last week with verses 1&2, this week is 3&4. We are “due” to be finished when this baby is due. And this passage is full of amazing GRACE and scattered among it are bits of pregnant waiting. And although it’s not meant in the literal, it surely can be – as I certainly don’t know what is going on, but I can REST IN THE FACT that HE KNOWS!

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. – Romans 8:26-28 MSG


4 responses

    • I am so happy that you surprised me with that news today. I have been so disappointed to miss all the Thanksgiving celebrations here and there – and to look forward to seeing you and Papa John soon is a huge joy and a bit of that spectacular hope, those graces that God has scattered for me to rejoice in during this “less than perfect” time. Thank you! Kiss all my nieces for me!

  1. of the many friends and family I know that we want to give you a hug and say the right thing. I watched mine here try while I was in bed with our child. My mind revolved and stressed untill numb. I cried too in fear and pain and in some ways was saved by not having the home you have full of kids -but its a blessing for you ya know it keeps you bright w hope and knowing that goal that could be so easy to lose focus on when you are just alone in a room for hours and hours, Iam so very glad you have that house. It is hard and and I so wish I could tell you it will be perfect but I do know that there is your faith and your belife that what is planned is what He chose for you. We dont understand and I dont know if we will understand thats where I iam still working on it but I did a lot of praying and working on my own faith during our childs first trimester and all the way through.No I rarly get this religious in a speach but I am praying for you, baby and family.

    • Thank you SO much for your words of empathy Ryan. I can’t imagine how hard it was to be “alone” so much while you were in pain and scared for your baby. I am SO grateful that, despite our ailments and imperfections that God has chosen US to be parents of such amazing kids. It really is an honor to have these blessed souls in our lives!

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