Tomorrow is the first day of Lent.
Tomorrow is also the day we hope to find out how much longer I will be struggling with pain, at home, in bed. And what the next few weeks will look like. When I’ll be admitted to the hospital. What we may expect for Wee One who has been getting momma’s morphine for the last few weeks (uh, months but much higher doses in the last few weeks), if Wee One is having any growth issues due to the antigens in momma’s blood, if the placenta has moved enough for me to safely go into labor, if momma’s body will be put through more testing/procedures after Wee One’s forced eviction in order to walk again.
There are so many “complications” regarding my pelvic structure that will be addressed (or need to be addressed) once Wee One is in my arms – x-rays and MRIs to see the damage done to the pubic symphysis, whether the hip pain I experienced all of July and August was a stress fracture and if it has healed properly. Will surgery be needed for the pelvic floor issues, the pubic symphysis issues. Will my bones regenerate after this birth? Will I be able to walk enough to build up my bone density (after pregnancy and bed rest for a LONG time have I lost all of my post-breastfeeding Claire gains)? Will I need to have a hysterectomy sooner rather than later? If I am going to have to have one, can they just do it when they deliver Wee One so I don’t have to recuperate 2x from surgery? What should I expect for the Cesarean recovery?
SO many questions I want to ask. So many things I know I won’t because it will all be so overwhelming tomorrow. And tomorrow it’s about Wee One.
Of course, the two biggest questions will be:
When will I be admitted to the hospital?
When will the Cesarean be scheduled (aka, when will Wee One be born)?
And the one that has been plaguing us for 34 weeks:
Does Wee One have a wee one?
Preparing for surgery. For baby. For recovery. For physiotherapy. For nursing. For healing.
The day is getting closer to when I’ll be able to sit up in bed, to walk to the washroom WITHOUT a walker, to take a shower standing up.
The day is growing closer that I can look into Wee One’s eyes, tickle toes (instead of them attempting to untie my belly button by force) and listen to coos.
I don’t know when, or how this will all take place, but it IS coming.
Just like we didn’t know what it was going to be like when The Messiah came. That His life (like this pregnancy) wasn’t as we expected it to be. He was lowly born. He was poor. He was shunned. He was beaten. He was crucified.
They (We) expected fanfare, glory. For Him and for themselves (ourselves) for “being right” in following Him. And yet they (we), the ones who waited for years for His coming and His glory – missed Him because they (we) were looking for the glory (and to be glorified) instead of the humble life of a servant, a healer, a truth-teller. They (we) thought they (we) were right and called for Him, the innocent lamb, to be crucified.
I expected to be amazingly cute. To show off my belly while proudly parenting my four children “perfectly” and helping out at school, making amazing school lunches and having a fun, decorated house for the kids to bring their friends home to (with fresh cookies and organic milk). I was going to be the epitome of cute-preggo-momma, eating super healthy, giving up caffeine, eating my 2 eggs a day with a planned home birth. Instead I had horrible nausea, almost lost my 5 year old, was treated for a hip fracture, and was put on bed rest because of a symphysis tear AND placenta previa. I have been on narcotics. Non-stop Tylenol. I went to half-caf coffee, but couldn’t wean from my anti-depressants, and have had, it seems, a rash of “what could go wrong has gone wrong” kinds of things with this pregnancy. It has NOT gone as I expected (hoped) it would go. My hopes were also crucified.
And yet, through this time, I have been blessed that this is a time of growing, and groaning. That after Wee One is safe in my arms, it WILL be safe for me to start walking again, even though it will take weeks to gain enough muscle strength/healing to go up and down stairs without crutches – soon I will be walking my children to school.
This time in bed has been long – but it has been spiritually healing. Maybe I’ve often felt that I’ve been in a tomb – grey, stuck in bedclothes, not even able to wear my cute “hot momma” maternity jeans. But soon AND VERY SOON I will “rise” again. This time in bed I’ve been able to SEE prayers answered and how God works in so many “just so happened” areas. I’ve learned the gift of thanksgiving through the humility of receiving grace with gratefulness. And my heart has been filled, my refrigerators are filled, my hope has not been out of reach for more than a few hours. I now know what it feels like to be the recipient of “help.” And I know that I will be more gracious and thoughtful (as those who have been here for me) when I bless.
I have been overwhelmed with your love. Your words. Your service. Your baby things. Your shopping. Your cakes, soups, cut up produce…
I will remember what you have given up to bless us. I wish I knew everyone to thank. I don’t. I WILL pay it forward. I will remember how much your “little things” brought so much relief to Dear Husband, and tears of joy and gratitude to all the caregivers in our home. And I will not forget your prayers. May I be faithful as a parent to all my children for the times you have remembered to intercede for me.
This season of Lent will be different for me. I am not giving up social media or coffee (I quite rely on my relationships right now via twitter, bloggers and facebook – and I would seriously offend people who have been praying for me if I wasn’t posting them with the outcomes of their prayers – the praises and pictures of Wee One!). I am giving up gaming on my iPhone. Tonight will be my last night of playing Scrabble or Lexulous and after 6 days, 15 hours, 28 minutes and 5 seconds, in the last 5 months, of Sudoku, that will be deleted off my iPhone as well. Seriously. I have spent over 6-1/2 days playing sudoku. I can play an insane game in less than a half hour (on average) and it definitely has helped me get my mind off the pain in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep (and cannot take anything else). I have played at least that long on Scrabble (good thing they don’t keep track of that).
Instead, I will continue my Romans 8 memorization (I fell off around Christmas time, and have been reading through daily, but not actively working on memorizing it). I am going to read actual BOOKS. I am going to write more. Maybe here, maybe in a journal, maybe love letters to my children.
And I am going to continue in the discipline of gratitude.
Not super spiritual stuff today, not that I am ever super spiritual. But just a long rambling of my thoughts before I go into the fetal medicine appointment at “the big” hospital. Of anticipation and expectation. Of preparation.
Thank you friends for your love, support and prayers. And I will keep you updated!!! I am going prepared to stay tomorrow, although I don’t anticipate I’ll be admitted until next week. My pain has been less this week, but I have also not gone anywhere since last week (and tomorrow will be my first more than 10 minute car ride outing in months. And the pain may be what admits me sooner than later. Not really sure what to pray for on that…
#HMC1 & #hellomorning sister-friends, thank you! @uptownchurch – thank you! and @kenmcall – I love you.