A Falling Away

I am walking now.

I even drove a bit this week.

I’ve been doing laundry, making some of the meals, ridding closets of outgrown/worn out clothing – evidence that my children grew without me nurturing their bodies with food, or wrapping them in clean garb, or even snuggling them on the couch – watching them on the ice, or receive awards at school, or sign notices from the teachers…

But I am walking now. I am very sore. I am quick to anger. I crave sugar and milk and coffee. And sleep.

A couple weeks ago, after catharsis here and with my counsellor, I felt like I had a horrible flu. Dear Husband took me to the emergency room because I’d complained the day before about a “little ingrown hair” around my incision that was pus-y. Within minutes a church neighbour was at our door to watch our kids. I had a nasty infection. I had a few days of IV antibiotics and I felt amazing, and I walked and a few days later I hurt again. I still hurt. Apparently my out-of-shape muscles are tied up with my cut and regrowing nerves and really, I just have to get through it.

And it makes me cranky. I really cannot bend over to pick stuff up off the floor, and when I’m holding Cora Beth (who is gaining weight like a pro) I cannot get up from a squat position. When I do try, I end up in bed for the rest of the day (for instance, sorting laundry from the floor while holding Cora Beth in the Ergo was NOT a good idea for my healing pubic symphysis).

And so, when Cora Beth is finished with her “around’ 6 am morning feeding, I go back to sleep (if I ever really woke up in the first place). And then I wake up at 8:15 as Dear Husband is trying to convince one child to put on her shoes, another to put on panties and reminds a third (for the 19th time of the morning) to brush his teeth.

The guilt sets in.

See how I set it up to “justify” not getting up to Maximize My Mornings? Pain, breastfeeding, depression.

Implementation is not my strong suit. Willpower – definitely lacking in this body. I rely on grace – but, well, not really. Because when I “justify” sleeping in – I am doing it because I feel guilty – and when I feel guilty (even IF it is a fully justified action) I am quick to anger, to blame others for my “less than perfect” being.

For instance, yesterday I was in terrible pain. I fell asleep shortly after the kids came home from school (we had help here and Dear Husband was working from home as well). I honestly could not walk well and our stairs can be a bit too steep for my symphysis. But I felt guilty about not making dinner, not finishing the laundry, not remaking the kids’ stripped beds.

I did end up making dinner in about a half hour (and they liked it) and the kids were tickled to be able to sleep in their sleeping bags on a school night. But other things didn’t get done, or supervised to be done. And today I held on to anger. Everytime I saw a chore/job that wasn’t finished last night I growled. When the time came for those things to be done, I was NOT gracious.

I am making my kids as bad as I am. I yell when they don’t do their chores, even when they have logical (to them) reasons for not doing something. Or they were distracted by another duty that was more urgent. Why is it that moms are the ones for giving guilt trips? WHY am I like this? I yell or I stew (and then yell even louder).

Does anyone else fail at parenting as much as I do? Does anyone have advice on how to wake up FOR ALL of my kids (not just the baby) so that Dear Husband can have HIS life back?




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