Love Bears All Things
On Monday I saw my therapist. I love her. I wish I could sit with her every day over a cup of GOOD coffee (she is the one who told me about Moja Coffee) and talk about our lives, not just mine. Sometimes I wish we had just become friends at church (it would be cheaper) but meeting her this way gives me the opportunity to not worry quite so much about what she thinks of me. Although sometimes I still hide what I’m feeling from her, usually I’m pretty honest – although a lot of the time it’s coping with the day to day and not the crap stuff that is deep down affecting who I am.
Lately we’ve been dealing more with the crap stuff.
I’ve had to. I’ve even cried holding my newborn baby about how awful it’s been breastfeeding her – but at the same time not wanting to give up because I missed feeding Claire so much when I stopped at one year (due to health reasons). We’ve talked about how the guilt and shame I feel is so connected to my being molested by my elementary school music teacher. About my lack of power. About my lack of control. My confusion. Anxiety.
This hasn’t been pretty to think about. To deal with. It adds to my anxiety regarding my own children and if I am protecting them and giving them the ability to SAY NO to authority when it’s necessary (not just when they don’t want to do something they NEED to do). I think I am. My teenage daughter is open to talking about the creepy shop teacher who drops pencils so the “sweet girls” will pick them up – and she says he can pick it up himself.
Being assertive is not my gift. I don’t know how to teach my strong-willed children to be assertive and not aggressive. I’m proud they are strong willed. I just hope I can teach them to be compassionate too. I was always worried about embarrassing my abusers. That I could be a “suffering-servant.” That I could handle being abused.
I didn’t realize how it was going to affect my future. My family.
I thought if I was a perfect little submissive girl, everything would be okay.
But it obviously hasn’t worked out so well that way.
Firstly, my idea of perfect is apparently rather skewed. I just discovered this on Monday. Like, 3 days ago. I’m 38 years old and I have thought that perfect meant “no rest until every speck of dust is gone.” Which, of course, is VERY IMPOSSIBLE, even without 5 kids and with a healthy body.
So I never rested. I never rest. I always have this list of things I need to do (which is really long if you saw my house right now). Even when I should be enjoying these sweet baby smiles at the breast, I am overwhelmed with the above mentioned issues and then when that eventually passes, I start in on all the things I should be doing. I can’t just breast feed, I have to be doing something else as well (usually catching up on social media on my iPhone so that I feel like I’m at least DOING something – not just feeding my baby and connecting with her in a beautiful way).
I wake every morning thinking I should have woken up earlier and made my husband coffee (instead of the other way around). I already fail first thing. And then I do my best to do laundry – but it doesn’t get folded because I am constantly running around (like, the laundry currently in the dryer will get thrown in a basket as I run out the door to take someone to skating, or to the dentist, or to go pick up a prescription for lorazepam). There are gross, disgusting silverfish in our bathrooms. And splatters of strawberry jam on the cabinets. And Cora Beth is soaked in spit-up, AGAIN.
There isn’t time for me to eat. To drink coffee while it is hot. To just read Grace for the Good Girl or write on my blog. There may be just enough time to tweet a photo of Claire eating french fries or Savannah building a sandcastle – but taking time to really BE myself is out of the question.
AND THEN my BELOVED COUNSELOR said, do you think Jesus was perfect?
Of course!
Then she said, “What do you think the people who weren’t healed thought?”
I wasn’t sure what she meant.
“When Jesus would leave those crowds to eat. To pray. To go party.”
Oh.
He left many unhealed, “unforgiven” untouched. He couldn’t touch everyone. It would be impossible.
He had to stop to eat.
To drink (even took time to make wine).
To go hang out with people of disrepute.
He took care of his disciples.
He took care of himself.
He didn’t HEAL everyone.
He didn’t heal EVERYONE.
He DIDN’T heal everyone.
Some things were left undone – in our eyes. He must have wanted to touch them all…but couldn’t. Didn’t. He COULD have just prayed one big prayer and made everyone whole – but it was the relational act of touch, conversation that healed, forgave, made new.
SO, this façade I’ve been trying to put on – not necessary. There aren’t enough hours in a day, or enough calories I can consume while running around, to make my house the spotless haven of rest that I want it to be. There aren’t enough arms to hold all my kids ALL the time and feed them, fold laundry, vacuum. There is only ENOUGH for me to chose what can go by the wayside and what I need to do – and maybe, for my sanity, sitting at the computer a couple hours a week to write about my struggles, my gifts, my thanksgiving, what I am learning in the midst of these scattered graces – is one of those things. Being able to process into words what this struggle of PPD/Anxiety is like while feeding Cora Beth and coercing (bribing with banana splits) children to pick up their toys may not be the most helpful thing to read on the web for you – but it certainly helps me to process what I’ve been learning.
Being able to blog while I was on bed rest is part of the reason I kept sane. Maybe through the PPD I need to do the same.
Thank you to all of you who have ALREADY sent me encouragement, prayers, graces of blessing. I continue to add to my Book of Healing. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know that I am NOT alone.
And sometimes the healing isn’t instantaneous. Sometimes He chooses to make our bodies weak so our spirits can be stronger. And maybe it takes time to see that. Patience. Perseverance…
hope.
Savannah Hope
Please pray for hope to spring eternal in me. I know I will get to the other side of this. That in itself is hope. I am afraid of it getting worse. Well, really, I am afraid of everything right now (like, why do I hear the back of the toilet coming off?) and I don’t want to live in fear. I need the “made perfect in love to cast out this fear…
11 Comments
momj5
July 12, 2012 at 6:21 pm —
Prayers for you. What an inspiring perspective of what Jesus did NOT do. Thank you for sharing.
Momma Jen
July 12, 2012 at 8:44 pm —
Just to be clear, Jesus as God COULD have healed everyone. He was not purely limited by His Body. But I think my expectations of myself are highly unrealistic and I think of Jesus as perfect so it IS freeing to know that sometimes you have to walk away from a job, let your blessing thru others do its work (delegate), and maybe-just maybe what “healing” happens is acceptance that we were created with limitations and imperfections…and we are still capable of relationship, of being loved and loving.
Ah, again. It is the BEING not DOING that matters.
momj5
July 12, 2012 at 9:51 pm —
To me this is a reminder that God became man – Jesus gave of himself to give us an example He took the time to serve but also to refresh himself with his heavenly father – he knew his limits as a man
It’s making me think of so many bible stories with fresh eyes:
My thoughts are rambling so ill stop now and I pray what I’ve put down is helpful, that it blesses someone
Momma Jen
July 12, 2012 at 10:09 pm —
I think you are right. He/We are limited by our bodies. But The Spirit I don’t believe is. But God has infinite wisdom we aren’t privy to. I believe Jesus was fully human while on earth. But he had an intimacy with God that we strive for – and even begged for “this cup to be taken from me.” But his obedience was what stands out as I process his humanness. I think it’s time I take Systematic Theology B. Christ. I want to delve deeper into The Incarnation and think about Jesus in this new perspective.
I think the hardest thing for me is that I always thought if I was “doing it as unto the Lord” that it had to be perfect. And I never really got how Martha was supposed to “be ye perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” sitting like Mary. It seemed to me she should have planned better if she was going to invite Jesus to a meal.
How is that for someone who has been to seminary and is still struggling with Being God’s Chosen instead of trying to earn it!?!
momj5
July 13, 2012 at 5:31 am —
Oh yes! It’s so easy to slip into earning our salvation even when we know better. I have been so worried about things in my life I am forgetting that don’t have to do anything excep to BE HIS daughter. Our father in heaven is the King – we are His daughters,His princess
I need to sit at His feet and learn
Tanya W
July 13, 2012 at 8:38 am —
This is such a refreshing perspective Jen (and Heidi!). I also struggle with Being not Doing. As the oldest daughter of an alcoholic, I always tried to be perfect….believing that somehow if I was more perfect then he would stop drinking and being emotionally abusive. When I became a Christian, that perfectionism naturally came out in my Christian walk. I have struggled so much with the feeling that I’m not DOING enough when I simply needed to realize that anything I can do will never be *enough* but that God is not concerned about me Doing as much as me simply Being. I think I always have to remember that doing what is right doesn’t mean doing it ALL. As your counsellor pointed out, He was perfect and yet He didn’t do it all but He was always obedient to the Father and His will.
Praying for you Jen~ I know you have a lot going on right now. I’m thankful that you have this outlet to help you process your thoughts and feelings. When I was in the greater throes of my anxiety over the past year, I stopped blogging and I wonder if I would have been able to deal more swiftly with it had I written and acknowleged what was going on rather than carrying on with a brittle, happy facade. Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to be perfect for Him to love me, He loves me because I am His daughter, His child and He loves me already without limit.
Thank you for sharing~ this has been so helpful to me as I look around my chaotic home this morning. Praying for you and lifting you up to Him.
Momma Jen
July 13, 2012 at 7:28 pm —
I was just thinking…again. Dangerous I know. Although I don’t want to be heretical, and I was thinking about Him being flesh and how I expect so much of myself – and therefore more of Jesus…but Jesus didn’t meet the expectations of ANYONE. He disrupted everything. He was really himself. He didn’t overturn the Romans, he was born in a manger and was crucified. Things they didn’t expect. Things that turn our expectations upside down. Making me think of who I really am and who I was created to be. Born to be. Need to be.
Tanya W
July 13, 2012 at 10:13 pm —
I think that’s why so often, I think of the Christian life as a rebellious life. Not rebelling against God or authority but against my expectations and society’s expectations of what I am supposed to BE as a Christian mother/wife/sister. I think the Mary/Martha example is so apt for this. Martha was doing what she thought she should do and what society would expect of her (“Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things”) but Mary “chose the good portion” and was pleasing to her Lord. Sometimes I do what I do because I think that’s what I am *supposed* to do, rather than doing it because I know it is what He would have me do and finding joy in the service.
Christ never just did something because it was expected of Him. He and the Father had their own agenda that was carried out~ to the upset of those who expected something far different from the Messiah.
I think it is important to say too that of course Jesus is God and therefore able to fulfill the Father’s will perfectly~ far different from me! However, because of my perfectionism and general people pleasing nature, I really have to work hard to remind myself that it’s OK *not* to do what I think I *have* to do. And to be who I am, who He made me, not who I think I ought to be. A friend once encouraged me by telling me that I am the only ME that God has made and so I need to be myself cause He made me for a purpose. And this Much-Afraid, really had a hard time seeing what purpose God had for me and yet, it is there and yes, I need to be myself….and I know, from His Word, that He will work in me “both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (phil 2:13).
Can I say how refreshing it is to convo about this?? I don’t know anyone IRL who struggles in this area as much as I do and who really understands. Thank you for being there and for speaking so openly and transparently. (and my apologies for this rambly comment!!)
Momma Jen
July 14, 2012 at 12:18 am —
Not ramble-y at all! One of the things we *talk* about at Regent is being Fully Christian, Fully Human. Or Wholly. My previous take on this was that the dream/expectation I had of my life at one point was who I was to be so I needed to let go of the things that hindered that and strive ahead.
An then I was dumped. I was sick. I was infertile. So I attempted to change myself to fit into a new set of expectations and suddenly found myself the pregnant with five foster children, 3 we were adopting.
It has taken me awhile to get that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” is as an individual, that I was loved for being not anything I have done or could do, that I am a be-ing who needs nourishment, fresh air, exercise and rest for the mind, the heart, the body and the soul.
Being wholly human means more than taking care of the Maslow’s Heirarchy of needs, it is an opportunity to, well, live in faith. Faith that we are in this place at this time for a good reason – but that reason does NOT have to mean what we think other people think it should mean. (Gads, this is clumsy.) I seriously worry too much about what people think. Maybe being fully/wholly human frees us from the “7 steps to perfect parenting” so we can go with our gut, with what feels right, with that still, small voice. Maybe it means that we can trust God to prompt us to listen to those wiser than ourselves and inspire us to “do” what needs to be accomplished at the right time, to His glory (instead of our own).
I am obviously struggling with being able to hear that voice with the shrieks of PPD are echoing around me… But today I had peace. Today, because of your prayers, I have hope. Today, with joy, I accomplished & played & created and I feel more whole than I have in a l.o.n.g time.
Thank you for engaging me! It is hard to have these conversations face to face because we avoid eye contact when we feel shame or judged. We put on the “perfect” façade and won’t allow our vulnerabilities to surface. No, this isn’t an ideal setting, but with a bunch of kids, technology helps keep us connected!
Anita @ Dreaming Beneath the Spires
August 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm —
What lovely thoughts. That Jesus kept himself whole and sane and healthy and in the process risked disappointing people, who thought he was less than perfect. And he is therefore a role model in making peace with our imperfections!!
sandra delemare
August 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm —
Thanks so much for sharing this.