Facing Memory – Day 24

I cannot write today.

Heavy, burdened, depressed, collapse.

My dreams are of drowning, of the world crashing in around me, of cars and (I realize this is crazy) tankers full of tax papers.

I even splurged on a tall decaf half sweet salted caramel mocha

And that did not lift my heavy mood.

I am flailing in this healing. It’s like the ocean of tears inside me are trying to drown me. But, I cannot cry-whether it’s the anti-depressants or the fear of what will happen when the floodgates open-I am just burdened with the heaviness that one feels before a soul-cleansing weep.

I cannot weep.

My chest is crushed under the weight, but the demands of my life keep the “weak me” at arm’s distance.

And after a day of avoiding and pressing on, I collapsed. The relief of sleep was necessary for my brain. Bless my teen who cared for everyone (and a large selection of movies) until Dear Husband made it home.

I am going to ready my body for rest. I hope my dreams do not continue into the dark fear.

•••

Thank you to all of you who are continually praying and blessing me thru social media.

Your words come at just the right time everytime.

Thank you for encouraging me through this dark journey.

5 responses

  1. Oh my dear, sweet sister in Christ! My heart goes out to you today as I sit here in my kitchen lifting you up in prayer. Know that the one who loves you more than any other will never leave you nor forsake you. He is there holding you up, even now. Lean back and rest in his strong and steady arms. “He calmed the storm to a whisper
    and stilled the waves. (Psalm 107:29 NLT)”.

    • Thank you so much Nicole. Being shrouded in prayer has helped me through today, so far. Including a Costco trip. Although it did mean breaking into the potato chips before I got home.

  2. Jen,
    I fear and try to stifle the “weak me” too. I also hate to cry, because once I get started it is so hard to shut that faucet off. My sweet husband always tells me that I’ll feel better if I just let it all out and that keeping it in hurts worse than the release, no matter how ugly it is. Know that you are loved and are being lifted up in prayer. Maybe we can keep each other accountable on not letting the “tyranny of the urgent” (laundry, dishes, puke, etc.) distract us and keep us from healing and restoration. Hugs!!

    • Tyranny of the Urgent.

      Ah. My curly haired little “urgency” creator is reading on the iPad (the Charlie Brown Halloween App) and I have a moment of peace. Mess is necessary. If the choice is enjoying my kids or cleaning – today I choose Charlie Brown. :)

  3. I wrote a song about that feeling: Drowning in a river of regret, flowing from a sea of shame, I’m going down for the last time isn’t there someone who could save me? Someone with a strong arm, who could hold me? Someone who could pull me out of this hole that I’m in? I’m lookin’ for a champion. I won’t tire you with the whole thing, but you get the idea. The bridge is “the waters of life are risin’ high and I’m tankin’ my life again pullin’ it apart with my own two hands’. Of course Jesus is my champion and He pulled me out when I was drowning. It feels like that sometimes, like I can’t raise my head or that there is anyone there to pull me out of the mire or the flood of emotion, memories, etc. that hold me. Isaiah 43: 1-4. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they sall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; … Since you were precious in My sight, You have been honored, and I have loved you;…”

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