Facing Memory – Day 28

I skipped day 27.

On day 26, I had the word “Enough” come to me in a couple of different ways.

After I wrote on Friday, I slept. It wasn’t exactly a nap, it was more of an escape. When I awoke, somehow in my bed under covers, 3 hours later, “enough” was in my mind.

And I was reading responses (email, Facebook) and someone had emailed me a prayer. I thanked her. She emailed back that the word coming over to her again and again was “enough.”

•••

I have had these memories for over 30 years.

I’ll continue to have them. To need to deal with them.

But for now, I have done enough. I have said enough. I have hurt enough.

I have been self-focused enough to put me into a depression that I cannot shake. I had hoped that facing some of these memories would free me – and in some ways I KNOW it has helped – but being so self-focused has also left me with a darkness that I cannot switch off.

Today I am skipping church (I have kids with snotty noses, that is my excuse). I’m sitting in front of the fire. I have candles burning. I’m indulging in creature comforts while the sickies are piled on the couch with blankets, mandarins and Winnie the Pooh.

And going to give one last long post about me. Because I know that my depression is because I’ve been staring at my dirty belly button all month. I haven’t been counting my blessings. I haven’t been rejoicing. I’ve been freeing the darkness, and not getting it out of my soul – does that make any sense? I’ve been looking at all the crap, but not seeing how it has changed me…finding the gratefulness that is inherent in the growth…

what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…

So, today, I’m going to see if I can list 31 things that I can be grateful for as a person who has experienced what I have experienced. Then tomorrow – I’m going to stop focusing on MEmory and focus on JESUS’s work in my life over the last 35 years. Holy cow, I’m getting old.

  1. A hypersensitive instinct about people
  2. Empathy
  3. Fighter
  4. Aware of others needs
  5. Take on challenges others don’t want
  6. Learning not to need perfect
  7. Forgiven
  8. Learning forgiveness
  9. Learning that anger isn’t always “bad”
  10. That anger can be the motivation for change, good change
  11. Protective
  12. Desiring to create a safe haven
  13. Knowing what brings me comfort
  14. Knowing what makes me feel safe
  15. Being able to identify what makes me sick
  16. Knowing Jesus HAS saved my life
  17. Trusting God HAS saved my life
  18. Miracles are in the every day
  19. People who abuse have been abused
  20. People who hurt others have been hurt themselves
  21. People who bully, are bullied at home
  22. Compassion is having a passion with another’s perspective
  23. Counseling works
  24. My weakness is where God shows His Strength
  25. I have seen answers to prayer
  26. I have been blessed with Dear Husband who makes me feel safe – even in the midst of self-inflicted depression and anxiety while facing memories of assault and molestation.
  27. I am not alone. I will never be alone.
  28. There are many women who have been through what I have been through. Much worse than what I’ve been through. Without the family support. Without the husband support. Without the Jesus support.
  29. Prayer works. Even if sometimes it’s “just” changing my perspective.
  30. Victory
  31. Peace comes

•••

This has been a post inspired by The Nester and her challenge to write every day for a month.
It’s hard to admit I haven’t been perfect at writing each day for a month. But I am learning that grace is better than perfection. At least with myself. Maybe. Or maybe I still feel really guilty about not writing here every day and that I need to go back and write something for those days.

Sigh

•••

5 responses

  1. “I am learning that grace is better than perfection.” – love that sentence and that truth.

    There’s so much maturity and growth in recognizing what you need for healing.

  2. :) I love you. I love what you wrote about enough. I love the passages that use the word sufficient (another word for enough). “my grace is sufficient for you” “your ministry is sufficient”. As a person who thrives on trying harder, being more, doing more, seeking more (because she NEVER thinks she is enough); sufficient is an excellent word to think about. Jesus thinks I (and you) can find His grace to be enough; and that His ministry through us is sufficient (enough). Yeah!!! Thank you this is the thought I needed for today. Blessings little sis.

    • Lovely Lisa, thank you for the thoughts on sufficient. It made my heart lighter. In a way that enough felt like I was leaving undone, sufficient filled in the gaps. Hard for a “straight-A-student” to be okay with “enough” or “sufficient” but that IS where grace comes in.

    • Lisa. It just occurred to me that you are MY Lisa. I was washing the shower floor praying for all the people who’ve contacted me this month and I wondered why you thought I was younger than you and called me little sister (I always feel like the old blogger) and it dawned on me!!! I put your email address in my brain (it’s not in my address book) and I just reread all your lovely comments with a different set of ears, from someone who knows me and this struggle IRL. And a woman who I adore.

      Maybe I think (a little bit) that my hometown still doesn’t use the Internet? ;)

      Thank you Lisa. So much.

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