I skipped day 27.
On day 26, I had the word “Enough” come to me in a couple of different ways.
After I wrote on Friday, I slept. It wasn’t exactly a nap, it was more of an escape. When I awoke, somehow in my bed under covers, 3 hours later, “enough” was in my mind.
And I was reading responses (email, Facebook) and someone had emailed me a prayer. I thanked her. She emailed back that the word coming over to her again and again was “enough.”
I have had these memories for over 30 years.
I’ll continue to have them. To need to deal with them.
But for now, I have done enough. I have said enough. I have hurt enough.
I have been self-focused enough to put me into a depression that I cannot shake. I had hoped that facing some of these memories would free me – and in some ways I KNOW it has helped – but being so self-focused has also left me with a darkness that I cannot switch off.
Today I am skipping church (I have kids with snotty noses, that is my excuse). I’m sitting in front of the fire. I have candles burning. I’m indulging in creature comforts while the sickies are piled on the couch with blankets, mandarins and Winnie the Pooh.
And going to give one last long post about me. Because I know that my depression is because I’ve been staring at my dirty belly button all month. I haven’t been counting my blessings. I haven’t been rejoicing. I’ve been freeing the darkness, and not getting it out of my soul – does that make any sense? I’ve been looking at all the crap, but not seeing how it has changed me…finding the gratefulness that is inherent in the growth…
what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…
So, today, I’m going to see if I can list 31 things that I can be grateful for as a person who has experienced what I have experienced. Then tomorrow – I’m going to stop focusing on MEmory and focus on JESUS’s work in my life over the last 35 years. Holy cow, I’m getting old.
- A hypersensitive instinct about people
- Aware of others needs
- Take on challenges others don’t want
- Learning not to need perfect
- Learning forgiveness
- Learning that anger isn’t always “bad”
- That anger can be the motivation for change, good change
- Desiring to create a safe haven
- Knowing what brings me comfort
- Knowing what makes me feel safe
- Being able to identify what makes me sick
- Knowing Jesus HAS saved my life
- Trusting God HAS saved my life
- Miracles are in the every day
- People who abuse have been abused
- People who hurt others have been hurt themselves
- People who bully, are bullied at home
- Compassion is having a passion with another’s perspective
- Counseling works
- My weakness is where God shows His Strength
- I have seen answers to prayer
- I have been blessed with Dear Husband who makes me feel safe – even in the midst of self-inflicted depression and anxiety while facing memories of assault and molestation.
- I am not alone. I will never be alone.
- There are many women who have been through what I have been through. Much worse than what I’ve been through. Without the family support. Without the husband support. Without the Jesus support.
- Prayer works. Even if sometimes it’s “just” changing my perspective.
- Peace comes
This has been a post inspired by The Nester and her challenge to write every day for a month.
It’s hard to admit I haven’t been perfect at writing each day for a month. But I am learning that grace is better than perfection. At least with myself. Maybe. Or maybe I still feel really guilty about not writing here every day and that I need to go back and write something for those days.