Facing Memory

Okanagan Vineyeard (Naramata, British Columbia)

time for wine-making and wine-colours

I love autumn weather. I love the cool nights, the crisp morning air, the sweaters-tied-around-the-waists afternoons.

I love that after dinner it’s DARK outside and the kids go to bed, and I can have a cup of tea with Dear Husband and not feel like I should be outside weeding. I love that it’s still light when it’s time to be waking up in the morning. And this autumn has been gorgeous.

But, the thing is, when this fantastic weather hits – the not-too-hot & not-too-cold, I am set on edge. I have nightmares. I am cranky and short with everyone. I’m jumpy. I’m suddenly tired all the time and don’t want to get out of bed, ever.

This year that miserable feeling started towards the end of August. It coincided with the first night Dear Husband had to get out of bed to shut the window at 3am because it was too cool, and the baby’s feet were cold.

When autumn sets in, my anxiety goes through the roof. The doctors prescribe ativan (lorazepam). The naturopath says “no more coffee” and gives me tinctures of sepia and avena sativia. And I find myself running in circles and not accomplishing anything.

When October hits, that multiplies. Not only am I currently just getting by with postpartum depression, I get the full-on effects of post traumatic stress disorder during this month of wine coloured leaves, of first fires in the family room, and lit candles.

And I hate it.

And I hate that I have avoided Halloween for, well, over 20 years.

This year I want it to be different. This year I want to be active in facing my fears, my memories, the emotional attacks I feel during this “anniversary” of abuse.

So, although this is a lousy introduction to it, I am going to take up The Nester’s 31-day challenge and write something every day (Lord Willing) that keeps me focused on the Beauty and Grace and LOVE of Him in this month – instead of the darkness, the fear, the wickedness that has held me back for over half of my life.

It’s time.

And, in this process, I’m hoping to not sit in a corner crying on Halloween night. Maybe I’ll even dress up WITH my FIVE children and do something FUN!

This may be a bit of a painful process. Talking about things that happened that were evil – but that I knew, even in the midst, that God was with me. I some days may only be able to post a verse, a prayer or a hymn. Other days may be cathartic ramblings. And maybe, if I’m inspired enough throughout this process, I’ll be able to post photos of the celebration of autumn. Something I haven’t really been able to do in many years. Even though it’s always been my favorite season – I haven’t been able to start celebrating it until after November 1st.

I covet your prayers through this journey. Especially those of you who have been on this journey with me for many years – and have seen me cowering in corners, or crying on the phone, or screaming in my sleep. I want to claim Victory in Jesus. I want to be free of this – at least be able to face it with confidence and not cower in self-hate.

a light in the darkness


This post is Day One of 31 Days of Facing Memory.
Four and Five
Eight and Nine

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