Aside from the fact that I’m very vulnerable in my journal, the hardest thing for me when I thought it was gone was that I thought I lost the words the Holy Spirit gave to me in times when I was called to write.
I don’t journal often, I’d like to do it more, but every time I pick up the pen and put it to paper, I start to feel God speaking to me – my body flows with the energy of the Holy Spirit and I realize not only how much I am loved, but how much I have to give. Sometimes it’s a conviction that something needs to change, sometimes I’m afraid to write because I’m afraid that the conviction will come and it will be something I don’t want to give up.
A year ago I wrote and emailed a Letter from The Psych Ward to friends and family who were praying for me. I was struggling with wanting to disappear, escape – and had plans for how to make that happen, and almost did. But people who loved me stepped up and sat by me and took me to the hospital.
Last spring I was still really struggling with anxiety and depression while they were still trying to figure out what medications I should be taking. Ken connected with a “friend” and got us a free stay at Tinhorn Creek Winery’s guest suite. Three nights. A weekend without responsibility or expectation.
We built fires in the fireplace, sipped amazing wine and listened to The Count of Monte Cristo by someone with amazing French. On the Saturday morning, sipping on steaming mug of French pressed coffee, looking out over the winery, I worked on some homework from my mentoring class.
These are the words (verbatim) from my journal. The question is from the homework in my second year course of mentoring with At The Table, Barb Borthistle and the words are words I need to read more often than I do. One of the thoughts that came to me when I lost my journal (and that have come frequently over the last two years) is that if I shared my vulnerability and celebration on Scattered Graces, then they wouldn’t be lost AND I’d be held accountable. So that these words of promise aren’t lost again, I’m posting them here for the world to see – to hold me accountable, yes, but mostly to remember again how deeply I am loved.
Really close friends share their secrets, struggles and joys with each other. Describe your communication in your friendship with God. Ask the Holy Spirit every day, ‘Where are you going today, Spirit?’
“Enjoy your children – that is your job. Be with them. Let the house concerns fall said, they will be cared for in love and excitement once you love on your children.
“When it becomes overwhelming and you desire escape – cast your cares on me and I, the Holy Spirit, will encourage you to do what I am calling you to do. Be in love with your life – don’t try to love the thought of what could be. Love what is and embrace it.
“Don’t escape me today. Embrace what I’m telling you. This weekend is not about escape, it’s about restoration and revival.
“Enter into my presence and enjoy the yoke of my easy burden.
“Don’t worry about how you’ve been wronged, I am making something beautiful and worthwhile because of these wrongs. Because of your unique experiences, you are my prized daughter who has not let go of faith. you will be rewarded. And you are useful as you are. you don’t need to get over anything. you need to enter into it and let me show you how to be transformed. I love you. So much. Just the way you are. you are a delight to me and I want you to delight in the gifts I have given you. Don’t worry that you are not enough. You are exactly the way I made you for a very special reason.
“And love your kids. Be with them. Enjoy them. They are your most precious gift.
“And be not afraid of Ken. Of disappointing your beloved. He loves you and worries over you. He also loves you just as you are. He longs to see you free of the burdens you carry. They are a part of you – you are to rise above them. Be free. Be free. Be free. And you can enter in fully without condemnation. You are forgiven and loved and because of this you can be free. Let go of the fear and love. Love. Love.
“Worry not about the shape of your body or the state of your house. Those are not important. Your life is to love. To love. To love.
“to be merciful and hospitable
create a serene environment that meets the needs of active children
to share your faith by loving
OH ABBA! PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE!