Resolutions

Getting Organized…

Anyone else planning on starting fresh this year? New calendars, new storage totes for the Christmas stuff in the garage/attic, new budget to “solve all our financial woes”?

It’s on-going isn’t it?

Well, a few things I’m going to try to do differently this year…

I’m going to let other people invent the wheel (and I’ll tweak it).

The first thing I’m doing?

Kayse Pratt has written for us (and prepped for us) a quick and easy way to start getting our lives in order. She has a stack of darn cute printables that I’ve already printed out and was so stoked that they already matched my current binder system…

I totally imagine, as I read her ebook, that she’s showing JUST me how she built her home management notebook. I imagine the kids interrupting us and someone getting up to change a diaper or make another pot of coffee. She is down to earth, easy to read (like, less than an hour to get all psyched up and ready to organize) and the printables are AWESOME. She even includes a budget worksheet that is inspired by Dave Ramsey. So I’m well on my way (right? getting organized is half the battle? no? oh. shoot.)

From helping you get all the vital information at your fingertips, to helping you plan meals for a month (along with that budget-o-thingy-mc-bobber), Kayse has got it ready for you to make your mark. Easy, schmeazy.

As well, she is running a RAFFLECOPTER! You know what that means? You go to the link below, enter the pertinent information and in return, if you are the lucky winner…

Kayse will customize a set of printables JUST FOR YOU (you choose the fonts and colours – so if your go-to-binder doesn’t match hers as perfectly as mine does).

So, what are you waiting for?

;

*and yes, I received an advanced copy of her ebook so I could share it with you – although, as always, I’m waiting until the last minute to “Get it Together.” So, wanna race? On your mark, get set, GO!

1 Peter Gold

I feel as if I am being refined. Although, Dear Husband is turning into a saint with this last Momma hospitalization:

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Thank you for your prayers. I didn’t know that my Facebook deactivation was going to force me to write here for prayer requests.

I’m going for more tests here in a few minutes. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a CT scan. Oh the excitement!

I appreciate that they want to get to the bottom of it now, and not send me home to wait for specialist appointments. I just wish I had better clothes!

Facing Memory – Day 31

It’s the last day.

I didn’t write the last couple of nights because I needed to rock a snotty baby, I needed to take lots of pain medication, I needed to think about something OTHER than the darkness I’ve held onto in my heart.

Although I didn’t write every day (I knew I was too focused on writing when my wandering day-thoughts were “I could write about this, or this or this”) I think exposing the darkness to light helped me to garner a little control over the memories and fears that have plagued me for so long.

was molested.

I was sexually assaulted.

was raped.

WAS

But now,

I AM MOTHER to five children, even though I WAS infertile.
I AM WIFE to a very handsome, man who makes me feel safe and beautiful, even though I WAS dumped many-a-time.
I AM PRINCESS to the KING even though I WAS a screw-up.

I am not a victim. I don’t even think of myself as a “survivor.” I am saved.

Even though sometimes I feel a bit broken inside, I am all here. Pieces have to be knit back together (like that darn pubic symphysis) but even before I was conceived, God had a plan for me. I haven’t overcome all my anxiety, fears, doubts. They are part of me that I am learning how to use, be strong with instead of against, grow out of, grow from.

So, tonight, 22 years later, with a baby at the breast and children trying to get one more piece of candy out of their stash before coming up to bed, I am alive…with joy. Things could have turned out differently – I could have become angry at God because he allowed these things to happen to me.

But I didn’t, well, I did for a short time, a whole 2 years of my life I lived my double life. BUT I know now that I didn’t need to be angry at God and throw away MY life in the meantime. Fortunately, God didn’t let me throw away my life. He renewed passion in me. Saved me, again, from the dark alleys and dead end streets. (Colossians 1:13-14)

I am grateful that God has a perspective that I don’t have, He knows the end story, He sees the tapestry being woven, when all I can see is the blood-red colour, or the charcoal that seems to be dominating my days, there are times of blue, of orange – and growth. The people who are woven into relationships with me, the challenges that come my way, the nights staring at the clock after another nightmare wakes me and shakes me to the core. All these things have the ability to be used by God to be turned into something beautiful.

My life is busy. But not glamourous. Not anything to be excited about – but it is good. It’s a good story of how God does work things together for fabulousness. (Romans 8:28) Our story is always full of “just so happened” moments that make all the stories amazing. You know, those “coincidences” that completely change the outcome of a story? Like a pair of luxury suites in a vineyard for our family at 1:30 in the morning? Or a baby conceived with contraception to two people with infertility? Or a coffee bar conversation because someone was smoking marijuana on the air intake “thing” at the grad school. Our life is an amazing series of stories. But they aren’t ALL beautiful. Some of them are dark. Scary. Fearful. Some of them are about cancer. About disease. About rape. About miscarriage.

And, I am so grateful that I was able to share with you the parts of me I want to hide all the time. When I hide this part of me, or at least TRY to, I hide the real me, the part of me with fears, with weakness, with hang-ups around being perfect. That you are reading my story – even the dark parts. The not-so-fun parts. And praying. Encouraging. Sharing.

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me to be proactive in this month. To not try to hide from the reason I’m afraid – but to face it so that I had control over it (to an extent).

Bless you.

•••

My final submission for Facing Memory

Facing Memory – Day 28

I skipped day 27.

On day 26, I had the word “Enough” come to me in a couple of different ways.

After I wrote on Friday, I slept. It wasn’t exactly a nap, it was more of an escape. When I awoke, somehow in my bed under covers, 3 hours later, “enough” was in my mind.

And I was reading responses (email, Facebook) and someone had emailed me a prayer. I thanked her. She emailed back that the word coming over to her again and again was “enough.”

•••

I have had these memories for over 30 years.

I’ll continue to have them. To need to deal with them.

But for now, I have done enough. I have said enough. I have hurt enough.

I have been self-focused enough to put me into a depression that I cannot shake. I had hoped that facing some of these memories would free me – and in some ways I KNOW it has helped – but being so self-focused has also left me with a darkness that I cannot switch off.

Today I am skipping church (I have kids with snotty noses, that is my excuse). I’m sitting in front of the fire. I have candles burning. I’m indulging in creature comforts while the sickies are piled on the couch with blankets, mandarins and Winnie the Pooh.

And going to give one last long post about me. Because I know that my depression is because I’ve been staring at my dirty belly button all month. I haven’t been counting my blessings. I haven’t been rejoicing. I’ve been freeing the darkness, and not getting it out of my soul – does that make any sense? I’ve been looking at all the crap, but not seeing how it has changed me…finding the gratefulness that is inherent in the growth…

what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…

So, today, I’m going to see if I can list 31 things that I can be grateful for as a person who has experienced what I have experienced. Then tomorrow – I’m going to stop focusing on MEmory and focus on JESUS’s work in my life over the last 35 years. Holy cow, I’m getting old.

  1. A hypersensitive instinct about people
  2. Empathy
  3. Fighter
  4. Aware of others needs
  5. Take on challenges others don’t want
  6. Learning not to need perfect
  7. Forgiven
  8. Learning forgiveness
  9. Learning that anger isn’t always “bad”
  10. That anger can be the motivation for change, good change
  11. Protective
  12. Desiring to create a safe haven
  13. Knowing what brings me comfort
  14. Knowing what makes me feel safe
  15. Being able to identify what makes me sick
  16. Knowing Jesus HAS saved my life
  17. Trusting God HAS saved my life
  18. Miracles are in the every day
  19. People who abuse have been abused
  20. People who hurt others have been hurt themselves
  21. People who bully, are bullied at home
  22. Compassion is having a passion with another’s perspective
  23. Counseling works
  24. My weakness is where God shows His Strength
  25. I have seen answers to prayer
  26. I have been blessed with Dear Husband who makes me feel safe – even in the midst of self-inflicted depression and anxiety while facing memories of assault and molestation.
  27. I am not alone. I will never be alone.
  28. There are many women who have been through what I have been through. Much worse than what I’ve been through. Without the family support. Without the husband support. Without the Jesus support.
  29. Prayer works. Even if sometimes it’s “just” changing my perspective.
  30. Victory
  31. Peace comes

•••

This has been a post inspired by The Nester and her challenge to write every day for a month.
It’s hard to admit I haven’t been perfect at writing each day for a month. But I am learning that grace is better than perfection. At least with myself. Maybe. Or maybe I still feel really guilty about not writing here every day and that I need to go back and write something for those days.

Sigh

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